Blog post two
“Fortune Favours the Brave!”
The Braver I am the Luckier I get. (Glennon Doyle)
One Year Since…
Stepping away from my life line, my safe place, the space I fought so hard to stay in.
Always knowing the day would come -
Dreading the ‘then what?’
Hoping, praying, gripping, bargaining..
‘I’m so grateful, just one more year please’,
Then
‘One more year please’
And then the day came
the deep grief of saying goodbye
of letting go,
releasing the grip,
the memories,
the safety,
the familiarity,
the comfort,
the possessions,
the support,
closing the door.
And then
Freedom,
nothing to loose, literally. Absolutely no thing.
No home,
No permanency,
however,
new potential,
openess,
trust,
possibility,
surrender.
No option but to trust and surrender.
Accept, welcome, be with.
The Law of nature - natural progression of life.
Birth - preservation- death.
Brahma, Vishnu, Shiva
creation, preservation, destruction.
No plan, no direction, just a sense that there was no going back, stepping forward into the unknown, knowing that all would be new, all would be different, a rebirth, a wiping of the slate.
And there was Mother India waiting for me with open arms, embracing me with my pain, holding my fear and shame, filling me with unconditional love and understanding, telling me that I am ok. Nothing for me to give, only to recieve the love.
You can not pour from an empty cup she whispered.
In India I experienced the kindness of humans, I learned to lean into the support, not everyone expects anything in return, I learned to trust, not only in others but to trust in me.
This has been a journey in.
Deep.
Painful,
Beautiful,
Honest,
Laughing at what an arsehole I can be, and have been,
Knowing that it is never too late! Learning, growing, experiencing, evolving,
practising, practising, practising.
THIS is the practice,
Not trying to look a certain way on the mat,
or sound a certain way, or have a certain image.
No, none of that.
Anyone can do that.
That’s just what you can do, not who you are.
I have unraveled,
I discovered who I am without,
a home,
alcahol,
posessions,
a plan,
security,
an image,
being the victim,
playing the hero or martyr,
without pushing down or turning away,
I have learned who I am when I am forcing and who I am when I let go,
when I have expectations and when I don’t,
witnessing as things begin to emerge from the depths of me,
and letting it all unfold.
